


Autumn Leaves

by winterschild



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Sorry, Kinda, M/M, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, This is so sad I'm so sorry, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:14:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterschild/pseuds/winterschild
Summary: “Harry, it’s time to wake up.”  He grumbled, tossing over in his bed and breathing in the scent on his pillow.  The pillow was pulled closer in his embrace as he wished for the voice to go away.  “Come on, H.  Wake up for me, please.”The tall man flopped over to face the voice—Louis was there in his oversized hoodie and Adidas trackies with a smile.  His hair was styled into one of his messy fringes, obviously a result of his dry shampoo powder because he couldn’t be bothered to shower.Harry groaned, “I really don’t want to wake up, Louis.  Let me sleep a bit longer so that this will all pass by.”“Can’t let you do that, Haz.  You’ve got to be ready in an hour and you haven’t showered in like a week,” reasoned Louis, concern laced in his voice.  “Come on.  You’ve wanted to practice your speech again too.”~I'm sorry.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	Autumn Leaves

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING:
> 
> T/W Kinda implied suicide--no real mentions of it, but one tiny mention of depression.
> 
> T/W Death--Funerals

_September_

“Harry, it’s time to wake up.” He grumbled, tossing over in his bed and breathing in the scent on his pillow. The pillow was pulled closer in his embrace as he wished for the voice to go away. “Come on, H. Wake up for me, please.” 

The tall man flopped over to face the voice—Louis was there in his oversized hoodie and Adidas trackies with a smile. His hair was styled into one of his messy fringes, obviously a result of his dry shampoo powder because he couldn’t be bothered to shower.

Harry groaned, “I really don’t want to wake up, Louis. Let me sleep a bit longer so that this will all pass by.”

“Can’t let you do that, Haz. You’ve got to be ready in an hour and you haven’t showered in like a week,” reasoned Louis, concern laced in his voice. “Come on. You’ve wanted to practice your speech again too.”

The green-eyed man let out a series of curse words before finally rolling over and pushing himself out of his bed. He trudged towards the en suite, slamming the door behind him as he flicked on the light. He stared at himself in the mirror, noticing the dark bags under his eyes and the permanent frown on his face.

He already hated today.

Harry moved to the shower, turning the water onto hot and sat on the toilet as he waited for it to warm up. He peered around the bathroom, looking out the window that looked out into the back garden. His eyes stayed trained on the football net where a single football was resting in the back of the net from a couple of weeks ago. He let out another sigh, picking himself off the toilet and into the shower, where the scorching water burned off the rancid smell he was probably giving off. He hadn’t had the energy to shower in the past few days—it was all too much.

His massive hands took ahold of the loofa, lathering it up with body gel and rubbing it over his torso and chest. He scrubbed up to his face, removing the dried tear stains that had remained there for the past week. He hadn’t cried in a few days—Harry thinks he had run out of tears, but maybe that’s a good thing; the tears were staining his silk pillowcases.

Pulling the shampoo from the shelf, he poured some into his hands before massaging it into his hair. It had just gotten cut a few weeks back for the ceremony that was next week—they always say that you should get a haircut at least two weeks before a wedding in case you get a bad cut. Once the soap was rinsed off completely, he watched the waterfall down the drain and let the shower hit his back. His mind was blank, but he wished something would run through it.

“Haz, come on, babe. You’ve been in there for nearly thirty minutes. You need to get out and get dressed.” Harry nodded absentmindedly at Louis’ voice, turning around to shut off the shower. Once the shower was properly off and a towel was wrapped around his waist, he heard Louis’ voice come from the other side of the door once again, “I laid your suit out on the bed, H. I’ll see you once you’re dressed, alright?”

“That’s fine, Lou. I love you.”

“I love you too, Haz.” Harry turned back towards the mirror, taking in his now-wet appearance, and he kind of thinks he looked like a Cliff after a rainstorm. He dried off his body thoroughly before dropping the white fabric to the floor and running his hand through his hair. Harry styled it best as he could but decided on just letting it curl as it air-dried. Once he was done messing with his hair, he let out another sigh, then turned around and opened the door.

His suit was laid out for him, just like he was told, and he moved towards it slowly, pulling up his pants before reaching for the suit. Piece by piece, he put on the suit. He watched himself in the mirror button up his shirt, this time button it all the way up to the top. Everything was black—he hated wearing black. He stopped wearing all black in 2014 when he started wearing his fancy floral shirts and headscarves.

Harry decided to skip the tie, even though he really should probably wear one. It was his day today though, so he figured he got to do whatever he wanted to. He pulled his suit jacket over his broad shoulders, buttoning up the middle button before walking back over to the mirror to inspect his appearance.

Fuck, he really hated today.

Ghosting over to his closet, he walked inside and to the back where his shoes were. He found a pair of his all-black Gucci loafers, picking them up off the rack and slipping his feet into them. Harry stared down at his feet, pigeon toeing them to kill time. He really didn’t want to go today, but he really had to.

Taking another deep breath, he walked back into his room, grabbing his phone from where it was plugged in on the nightstand and picking up the cards that were beneath them with his speech on it. He took a quick scroll through his notifications, seeing several text messages from his friends. He checked the one from Liam first:

_Hey mate. See you soon. Just wanted to remind you I love you._

Harry ignored the message, as well the panging in his heart. He moved on to the next message, which was from Niall:

_You’ve got a ride today or do you need me to pick you up?_

Harry typed back a quick response, telling him that a car was going to be at their front door in five minutes. He lost the motivation to check the rest of the notifications, pocketing his phone and making his way out into the hallway. Once Harry had found himself downstairs, he walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. 

It was after he took the first gulp that Louis snuck up behind him, “You look good, H. Even on a day like today, you look beautiful as always.”

Harry snorted sadly, “I hate wearing all black.”

He watched as Louis shrugged, a small smile playing on his lips, “Doesn’t mean you don’t look good in it.” Another few moments of silence passed by before Louis continued, “The car is here. We should probably get going, H.” Harry just nodded, setting the now-empty glass in the sink as he followed Louis into the foyer and out the front door to the car.

The driver nodded at Harry, greeting him as he opened his door for him. Harry just nodded back, climbing into the car, and putting up the divider between him and the driver. He stared out the window as they began to drive, watching the neighbourhood pass by.

“You’re going to do great today, love,” Louis spoke, filling the silence. “You always do though. Words have always been your thing.”

“They were always your thing too, Lou,” Harry argued, watching Louis’ reflection in the darkened window. They remained silent for the rest of the trip, as Harry hadn’t the energy to talk—he really hadn’t the energy to do much else the past week but cry and sleep.

“We’ve arrived, Mr. Styles,” announced the driver. Harry nodded his thank you and opened the door. Once he was standing, he looked over the roof at Louis.

Louis smiled sadly at him once again, “I’ll let you get settled, H. I’ll see you soon.” Harry returned the smile, turning around and being faced with Liam. Sad, brown eyes met Harry’s dull green ones, and, if Harry were being honest, he couldn’t be bothered to care.

“Hey, Harry. How are you?”

Harry shrugged, “I’ve been better. Are you doing alright?”

“Yeah. Just been worried about you; I haven’t heard much from you in the past week,” Liam admitted nervously. Harry didn’t want to be a arse to Liam—not only was he his best friend, but he was also suffering from this loss, even if it wasn’t to the same degree that Harry was.

Harry just let his gaze wander to the other people walking into the cemetery. He rolled his eyes when he saw a certain boy with a buzzcut and tattoos. “What the fuck is he doing here, Liam,” Harry questioned quietly, tone harsh.

“Come on, H. He’s here for you—he’s here for all of us,” Liam begged, eyes wide and sad, clearly aware that Zayn was in the same fucking premise after five years. Harry could feel the heat rise in his chest and the anger start to swell.

“I don’t want him here. Louis doesn’t want him here,” Harry barked, eyes locked on Zayn’s back. “Tell him to leave.”

“Harry, look,” Liam started, placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder. He shrugged it off, taking a step back from Liam. “Harry, I’m sorry, but I’m not telling him to leave. Just—please don’t overreact.”

“Overreact?” Harry stared at Liam incredulously. “You don’t want me to overreact? That fucking prick over there just shows up again after five fucking years, and I’m supposed to act like nothing has happened, and you don’t want me to overreact?!”

Liam sighed, apologizing, “You’re right, Haz. That was the wrong choice of words. I’m sorry.”

“Everything alright over here, boys,” an Irish voice spoke up from over Liam’s shoulder. Harry’s gaze shifted to Niall, who was dressed in a black suit with a white undershirt. His blue eyes were duller than usual and slightly red, most likely from crying. He looked at Harry, offering a sad smile. He leaned in, wrapping his arms tightly around Harry, forcing Harry to give in to the contact. Once he was in the arms of Niall, he broke, letting tears he didn’t know he had fall quickly on the man’s jacket. “Shh, H, it’s going to be alright. Everything’s alright. I wish you would’ve let me pick you up today.”

“I just couldn’t, Niall,” Harry sniffled, pulling away from his Irish bandmate. Niall straightened out his overcoat, wiping away the few tears that had fallen onto Harry’s cheek with his thumb. “Can we go now?”

“Of course, doll. Let’s go,” Niall instructed, looping an arm through Harry’s. Liam followed closely, keeping a hand on Harry’s back as the two men guided the younger one to the site. Once there, Harry’s mum greeted him, immediately pulling him into her embrace. He fell into it, breathing in the floral perfume he and Louis had gotten her for Christmas this past year.

Her voice was soft as she said, “Hi, love. How are you?”

“I hate today, mum. So much. I don’t want to be here.”

“I know, baby, but you have to be.” He just nodded and let her hold him a bit longer. Gemma was next to hug him, pulling her tightly against her body, and he just let her. He stayed in his family’s embrace, feeling the pity fall from their tones, almost too much for him to bear.

He completely tensed when a new voice joined the conversation. Of course, it wasn’t a new voice, but just one he hadn’t heard in a very long time. “Hey, Harry.” The Cheshire boy retracted from his sister’s grip, turning to face the estranged bandmate. His eyes sharpened as he just looked at Zayn quizzically. “How are you doing?”

“How am I doing?” Harry laughed humourlessly. “Great fucking question, Zayn. I’ve got a better one for you though—what the fuck are you doing here?”

“Harry,” both Liam and his mum scolded.

Zayn rolled his eyes, but kept a calm tone as he replied, “Come on, H. We’re all here for support.”

“No,” Harry shouted, eyes going wide in anger. “First off, you don’t get to call me that. Second off, where was this fucking support when Jay died, huh? Where was it at the funeral? Where was it when Louis performed on the X-Factor after her death? Where was it for the months to follow? If you really wanted to be here in support of your friends, you would’ve been there for him for the _months_ we had to drag him out of hotels and bars. You would’ve been there to support our solo careers and finish off that last fucking tour, but no—you left us all behind. I don’t hate you for it, but don’t think for a second I’ve forgotten about it.”

Harry's finger was in Zayn’s face, who was looking at Harry sorrowfully. Gemma stepped up, pushing Harry’s hand back down to his side and pulling him away from Zayn. “Okay, Harry, I think you need to walk away.”

“I’m sorry, Harry,” Zayn pleaded, tears starting to fill up his eyes. Harry just rolled his in response, turning away from his ex-bandmate and moving towards the cemetery where a casket was set up and the private party of people were gathered around. Harry took a seat in the chair closest to the casket, refusing to the look at the picture they had chosen for the service. Gemma took a seat to his left, and eventually, Niall joined him on his right. He just stared at the grass, listening to the sermon begin. He tuned most of it out, much like he had been doing for everything this past week. He didn’t even want to be here. He knew he’d regret it, though, if he didn’t come, so he did.

“And next, we’ll have Mr. Tomlinson’s fiancé come up and speak a few words.” Harry’s head snapped up, tears suddenly rising to the surface and lump caught in his throat. Niall patted his knee, tilting his head towards the podium to signal it was his turn. 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and stood up, straightening out his collar before walking over to the podium. For the first time since he had been there, he looked at the picture. It was one of Harry’s favourite pictures of Louis. He was wearing one of his sweaters, hair all done up and eyes shining the beautiful blue they were.

Fuck. 

Fuck this.

He looked out to the group of people, tears welling up when he looked at Louis’ sisters, who were all crying into their tissues. He had a hard time talking to them this past week too—he’s been real shit, if he’s honest.

“Hi, most of you know me, but if you don’t, my name is Harry.” He swallowed again, voice thick with tears. “Uh—I, this is very hard for me, so I’m sorry if I lose my words a bit.” He pulled at the collar of his shirt, which felt like it was suffocating him. “I—Louis was the love of my life,” his voice cracked. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Louis was the love of my life. We were so young when we met—he was eighteen and I was sixteen.” He saw Lottie crack a smile through her tears. “I—Being so young I didn’t really know what love was until Louis came along. And he taught me everything about love. He taught me how to love, how to be loved, and how to hold onto love.”

Harry looked down at the casket in front of his, closing his eyes momentarily. When he reopened them, he saw Louis standing behind everyone, a smile on his face—the same one he would give Harry when he was proud of him.

Harry nodded, continuing, “We fought hard for our love. For—for the longest time we were told we weren’t going to make it, that our love wasn’t worth fighting for. Louis though—let me tell you—he was one stubborn son of bitch. He fought, hard. He always believed in our love—”

Another sob broke from Harry, clutching at his heart tightly. He picked himself back up, looking at the picture of Louis again. “He always believed in our love, and he fought hard. Sometimes, there were times where I wanted to give up—where I was so sick and tired of being told that Louis and I couldn’t be together because of our gender. Louis, though, never let me, and I’m so happy he didn’t.

“We had a rough run a lot of the time. If wasn’t until recently where I felt that everything had fallen into place. We were set to get married next week actually.” A bitter chuckle fell from his lips. “Next week, September 28th, was our tenth anniversary. We—uhm—we were finally going to get to be free. Louis recently left his previous record label that was holding him back and we were finally going to be free. I—I guess that’s not happening now.” A tear fell onto the podium, and Harry just wished the hurt would stop.

“Louis,” Harry continued, looking at the casket again. “Louis is the strongest person I knew—he never let anything get him down. If it did, he would just try to bring others up. He dedicated his life to taking care of others—whether it was his family, his bandmates, or some random strangers who needed his help—he was always there. His humbleness was one of my favourite things about him. No matter how big or famous he got, he was still the same Louis I met in that X-Factor bathroom, and hell if I didn’t love him for that.

“He always managed to make me smile, even on my worst days. The only reason I’ve managed to make it through this past week is because of his pictures on the walls because I know he wouldn’t want me to be sad.” Harry sniffled again, looking over to Zayn. “He wouldn’t want any of us to be sad. He’s made mistakes in the past—he wasn’t perfect, and he never tried to be. The one thing, though, that I wish I could take from him is his ability to forgive. He always forgave in the end.” Zayn nodded at him, wiping a tear that had fallen.

“I—I genuinely don’t know how to live my life without him,” Harry admittedly, looking at Niall and Liam. “I—I feel like I’ve lost my sun, but I know that he’s keeping an eye on me and will manage to brighten up my day, even if he’s not here.” Harry carried himself away from the podium, walking up next to the casket and pressing a kiss to it. Once his lips pulled away, that’s when he broke, and he fell to his knees, screaming. Niall, Liam, and Zayn were by his side in an instant, pulling him up and moving him towards the seats. The minister left with some closing words and most people left, only family and close friends remaining. Harry stayed seated, not being able to support himself.

The tears continued to fall as he watched the casket get lowered into the ground as he fiddled with his engagement ring—the only one he had worn today.

Once the casket was completely lowered, he asked for some private time, so those around him left him. He just stared at the hole that now contained the love of his life—his one and only.

“I love you, H.” Harry’s head snapped over to the voice. Green met blue and Harry just smiled calmly. 

“I love you too, Lou. I’ll see you soon.” Louis nodded, getting up and walking away before he disappeared completely. Harry took in another shaky breath, before standing up himself and joining his family across the cemetery.

_November_

**_Ex-One Direction Star Found Dead in London Home_ **

_Following the death of bandmate and fiancé Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles was found in their London home dead yesterday morning. According to a close source of Mr. Styles and Mr. Tomlinson, Harry had been severely depressed since the passing of his boyfriend of ten years._

_Tomlinson passed away in a car accident in mid-September, just two weeks before the couple were to be married on September 28th. Styles and Tomlinson were in a band together called One Direction, and forced to be closeted while in the band. Tomlinson left SYCO Records this past July, with hopes that the future would be brighter and that he could come out, along with Styles._

_Fans and others are mourning the death of two very talented artists who have changed the music industry as we know, and whose love will have a lasting impact forever._

One thing Harry knew was that he was happy. And finally free.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I don't know why I wrote this. I really don't.
> 
> Working on a longer, much happier fic, so stayed tuned for that one.
> 
> Love you so much.
> 
> Stay safe, wash your hands, and treat people with kindness.
> 
> ~winterschild


End file.
